I'm once again reminded how cathartic/annoying tears are. The last week found me crying way more than necessary. I cry all the damn time. At the drop of a hat. I find out that I didn't get picked for a job (that I didn't really want, but thought I was a shoo in for.) I try on a dress that doesn't fit. Alpha has to work late, and I can't decide what to do for dinner.
Yesterday, Sunday, there was a gathering of rescue dogs that I thought would be nice to go to. It ended at 3pm. We tried, but didn't get moving until about 2:30, so we weren't going to make it. Alpha wanted to spend some time at the office, so I dropped him off and took A and E to the park. It was colder than we expected, so we didn't stay exceptionally long. After about an hour, I knelt down to put their leashes on, and when I stood up, I realized that someone had peed on my coat while I was close to the ground. Peed. On. Me.*
I took the dogs to the parking lot, unlocked the car, let them in the back seat, and got in the front, about to drive. I decided I couldn't wear the pee-stained coat, so I got out of the car again to stick it in the trunk. When I got back in, I couldn't find the keys Straight out, couldn't find them. I looked all over the car, in my coat pockets, on the ground, and they were fucking gone. Ten minutes, I mixed practicing deep breathing with panicked squeaking and frenetically looking for the keys.
While I did eventually find them under the seat (where I'd previously looked three times already,) I was choking back tears and trying not to shake while I drove. We went back to Alpha's office to pick him up, but he wasn't ready to leave. For three more hours, the dogs and I sat on the floor of his office and waited.
When we got home, we ate, I turned on the tv, and he turned on the computer. Almost time for bed, and he decides he wants to work out. He goes to pull the 25lb dumbbells from the shelf I'd stuck them on, and they stick, the end result being a jammed finger and a dumbbell dropped to the floor (scratching the floor.) Alpha yelled and punched the door, and railed about "that's not where those belong!" He wouldn't tell me what happened to his finger, couldn't let me help him with this ice. He was just making irrational noises and groaning.
His finger is okay. Just bruised. But it scared the piss out of me, and I decided to go to bed. Couldn't move fast enough to get under the covers before I just started sobbing. Alpha cooled down pretty quickly and apologized for getting so upset, and scaring me. I cried for the better part of an hour. He held me, let me babble about being a failure, and how everything was hard, and why can't I just be good.
On the other side of the world... this song has been in my head, and it makes me smile, but sad.
A new friend of mine asked me how I was doing today, and I told him, "83% good." He seemed perplexed that it wasn't 100%. As though everyone should be 100% good all the time. I just told him that 83% was better than yesterday.
This new friend, Sol, and his wife, Sir, are interesting. (Yes, I called her Sir.) I'd like to think that they'll be our friends for a while, but one never knows. I have that awful pattern of friendships like matchsticks. A fast, brilliant flare, and a slow burn for a few more seconds before fizzling out. I mean, I can count at least two couples that I haven't even named on this blog yet, because I'm not sure how long we will still be speaking. One of those couples, I learned, is moving away in six weeks, and I expect that is probably the last time we will speak, beyond being friends on facebook.
I find Sir fascinating. It's like looking into a mirror. She and I share an amazing amount of personality traits. We think similarly. Practically finish each others sentences already. Minor differences. She has children, for one. She's more spiritually inclined than I am. She's a picky eater (a personal failing if there ever was one, in my opinion.) But she's a beautiful, creative, soulful thing. Sol and Alpha are similar too, interestingly enough.
She told me today that our friendship could go two ways - either we will be kindred spirits, or mortal enemies. Sometimes looking in the mirror is a devastating prospect. but sometimes, just maybe sometimes, it motivates you and inspires you to become the better person you wish to see.
*The extra perplexing thing is, this isn't the first time this has happened. I've had multiple dogs hike their leg at me, while at the park. I've managed to avoid most of them. but seriously, why do dogs want to pee on me?!?
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