Hopefully...

Interview this afternoon.  Please, please, let it go well.  My nails are painted, my hair freshly cut, my outfit all planned... I need this to go well.

I hate Alpha's car.  The driver's window won't open.  Its got a poor turning radius, and its low to the ground.  Why does it keep crapping out?  After a $200 tire replacement and $1000 computer reprogramming in December, his battery was dead yesterday morning.  (Side story: I've been trying to be a good wife, and encourage Alpha to work out in the mornings by getting him up and making his breakfast and lunch, then go back to bed.  It mostly works, though it takes me a while to get back to sleep.)  He got me up to help him push the car out of the driveway so he could take my car to work.  Fine, whatever.  I went back to bed, but didn't sleep.  I just read for a few hours, until I got a phone call and decided to get up.  I called Roadside Assistance and had them come to jump start the car.  They told me that I needed to run the car for an hour to let the battery charge.  So I did.

But when Alpha left for work this morning, the car wouldn't start.  I suggested that he take my car, and I could call and have his jumped again.  Except that if I drove it to the interview, and parked in the requisite parking garage, and it wouldn't start, what would I do?  I doubt the tow truck could fit into the garage.  And then I'd be stuck.  So I had to get up, again, and take him to work.  Annoyed, to say the least.

This also means that his car has something wrong beyond the battery.  I suspect the alternator.  Great, so how is it going to get to the mechanic to get fixed?  I could have it towed for $40, or I could have it jumped for free, drive it to the mechanic myself, and then walk home (which is doable.)  I don't have time for either of those options today, regardless.  I hate that car.

Death spiral

Today, I am contained.  The spark I remember having is quiet today.

Perhaps its the snow.  We had over a foot of snow yesterday, and it's the deepest snow I have ever seen.  It is bright white and sparkling and brilliant.  In some places, it is a crust of perfection over the surface of things.  The pretty tree branches, the expanse of the back yard, the rooftops of our neighboring houses.  In some places, it's already broken and dirty.  Piles in the front yard from the snow plow, chunks of icy whiteness that have broken off our patio ledges, the paths in the yard that we scraped clean to encourage the dogs not to pee in the house.

Alpha stayed home yesterday, pacing and chafing.  He tried to go to work, before the snow got too bad in the morning.  Seven blocks from home, he decided that caution was better, and came back.  (His work had contacted us the night before, and told him he didn't have to go, but he is a workaholic in the most incredible sense.)

The search for employment continues to elude me.  It grates on me.  I got an email today from a job site, which occasionally sends me positions I might want to apply for.  Today, they sent me the posting for the job I was fired from in November.  Lets just poor some salt in the wound, shall we?  Am I too picky?  I am simply uninspired.  Finding something to apply for is like, the drudgery of my world.  I am so conflicted, and I'm so sick of moaning about it.  Just, someone, fix my problem already?

And that makes me hate myself more.  One thing I cannot stand in others is the unwillingness to strive forward to change their circumstances.  You have no right to complain about a situation that you have the power to change, and don't.  Now, if you're doing your damned best, and things still aren't working, I will listen to an occasional pity party.  But I'm just being a hypocrite.  I could go find a job at a grocery store.  I could be a waitress.  It doesn't solve my need for health insurance, but it would get me out of the house and become a productive member of society again.  I need to do something.

The real debate is, am I really cut out to be what I've grown up wanting to be?  Not everyone can be president of the United States, no matter what our mothers say.  If I don't pass the exam this year, it is the end.  You thought I was self-loathing before?  You haven't even seen it yet.  If I actually, officially, end of the road, fail?  Then I will have to find a new career.  A new fucking career.  Sixty thousand dollars of student loans in the toilet.  Five years of my marriage, and I practically have ptsd from the debacle that was graduate school.  On good days I say, "I won't let it defeat me.  This is what I'm supposed to be doing."  But on bad days, I just look in the mirror and look defeated.

And work out.  Stop complaining about your body, already, and fucking get up and change it.  Meh.  No wonder I seem to present poorly on phone interviews.

Tacit arrangements, agreements, and promises

A and E had their yearly visit with the vet yesterday.  I love our vet.  He always takes the time to discuss things with me, and answer all of my questions in an intelligent manner.  The pups both look good.  They both could stand to lose a little weight.  Their diet is already pretty balanced, so we attributed most of it to winter inactivity, and agreed they needed more walks and trips out to the park.  A only needs to shed about half a pound, but E needs to lose 1.5 lbs to really be in top form.  She has to go back on Thursday to get her teeth cleaned.  'Cause they are omg-nasty.

Taking the dogs out yesterday got me thinking about responsibility.  All the unspoken promises that we make as we get older, and take on more responsibilities in our own life.  Balancing your own budget, paying bills, working to provide an income, maintaining your home and livelihood.  Maintaining relationships with those around you is probably the most important part.  I may not have children, but A and E are the closest thing I've got.  It's up to me to make sure that they're socialized, well fed, healthy, behaved, etc.  E is getting better.  Last week, she took food directly out of Alpha's hand for the first time.  And she twice allowed me to approach and pet her without running away, cowering, or flinching.  That's progress.  Painful to realize that it's taken almost three years to get there.

Fibular and tibular, and ribs and cages, too

I'm once again reminded how cathartic/annoying tears are.  The last week found me crying way more than necessary.  I cry all the damn time.  At the drop of a hat.  I find out that I didn't get picked for a job (that I didn't really want, but thought I was a shoo in for.)  I try on a dress that doesn't fit.  Alpha has to work late, and I can't decide what to do for dinner.

 

Yesterday, Sunday, there was a gathering of rescue dogs that I thought would be nice to go to.  It ended at 3pm.  We tried, but didn't get moving until about 2:30, so we weren't going to make it.  Alpha wanted to spend some time at the office, so I dropped him off and took A and E to the park.  It was colder than we expected, so we didn't stay exceptionally long.  After about an hour, I knelt down to put their leashes on, and when I stood up, I realized that someone had peed on my coat while I was close to the ground.  Peed. On. Me.*

 

I took the dogs to the parking lot, unlocked the car, let them in the back seat, and got in the front, about to drive.  I decided I couldn't wear the pee-stained coat, so I got out of the car again to stick it in the trunk.  When I got back in, I couldn't find the keys  Straight out, couldn't find them.  I looked all over the car, in my coat pockets, on the ground, and they were fucking gone.  Ten minutes, I mixed practicing deep breathing with panicked squeaking and frenetically looking for the keys.

Return

I haven't posted since October.  Since then, a lot of things have happened, and a lot of nothing has happened.  A whole lot of DEPRESSING.

For one, I did not pass my exam.  Again.  And because of that, I lost my job.  I have been on unemployment since November.  This also means that I currently have no health insurance.  On the upside, I have been applying for jobs, and I keep getting phone interviews.  Which means I look really awesome on paper.  But I haven't gotten any call backs, or job offers, which apparently means that I suck at phone interviews.

So, that's probably the biggest issue.  But Kitten and I broke up in October as well.  It was - still seems - very surreal to me.  Someone who I was envisioning to be in my life for years faded away with so little resistance.  We haven't spoken in almost a month.  I haven't seen her since November.  This person who was supposed to be such a huge support in my life just crumbled away as the other parts of my life became difficult.

So, right now, my life is a lot of sleep, a lot of applying for jobs, and a lot of being alone at home.  I'm cranky pretty much all the time, and not infrequently do I have the urge to stab something.  Alpha's job is going very well, but he's been incredibly busy.  He's working an average of 60 hours a week, doing overtime to cover our bills.  This means I'm alone in the evenings, too.  And he's usually exhausted, so all the housekeeping things have to be done on the weekends, so our social life has dwindled.

We seem to be universally known as the couple that goes to bed early.  Everyone seems to agree that we're fun and interesting, but we always seem to miss the action.  (Why the hell does nothing exciting happen before midnight at these parties, eh?  Is there a rule that says we can't have any serious play before 10pm?)  As it is, we probably turn down 50% of the social events we're invited to.

And perhaps because of all the above, I am beginning to feel neglected.  In more than one way.

I've made some interesting new friends recently, but damnit, they're all successful semi-professional people that actually have JOBS.  I've become THAT friend.