Why bother?

I don't understand why I bother anymore.  I don't know what to do.

I'm so fucking tired of walking on eggshells.  I don't go to these parties to hold my breath, and hope you don't get upset.  I go because I fucking want to have a good time.  With my friends.  These goddamn people that I've carefully been cultivating into friendships.  I don't want to constantly be afraid that something is going to happen to upset you.  Cause something always seems to.  Why even bother?

You complain you don't have any friends?  No one to talk to?  No one to hang out with?  Maybe you should try fucking talking to people when we go out.  Or sending them messages when we're not out.  Or at the very least, don't get so fucking pissy when I attempt to cultivate friendships for the both of us.  I like having people to talk to while I'm at work.  And you and Kitten aren't available for that any more, or I'd talk to you two instead.

Isolation

At first, it was on purpose.  It wasn't what I really wanted, but it was necessary.  I needed to distance myself and get some time alone to focus on studying for boards.  And we were so busy, buying a house, then moving, then entertaining relatives. I feel like I haven't seen my friends in months.  Do I even have friends anymore?  Have I become that annoying hanger-on?  The person on the fringes that says "Just let me know if you need me!" and you avoid calling them at all costs because they're so needy that they kind of give you the creeps.

Time Flies

So, much has happened since I last posted here.  Not sure why this fell by the wayside, but trust me, I've had enough to do.  And for some reason, I can't sleep tonight, so here I am.

Alpha and I did go ahead and buy a house.  Since my last post we made offers on three different houses, got one, had an inspection, signed a mortgage, painted the interior of an entire house, moved in, and cleaned out the apartment.  We actually made an effort to clean the old place, though I haven't heard back from the apartment office on whether we'll get any of our deposit back.  Everything takes longer than you expect it to, and costs more.  I'm not sure how Alpha has not gone full-blown budget crazy and torn up our credit cards yet.  But the house itself is quite perfect.

Kitten and I are still together.  Its an odd kind of together, where you don't really see each other very often, and the constant talking/texting has begun to dwindle.  She has changed jobs, and had some personal issues, and her schedule is now less conducive to visiting.  It's been over six months now (closer to nine,) and we haven't really even begun to explore the physical side of things.  It's a little bit depressing, and annoying, and was frustrating, but now is just sad.  You know that rush you get when you start dating someone, where you can't keep your hands off them, and you're constantly thinking about them?  Well, I'm kind of over that.  She's actually coming over today, and spending the night, so that's good, thought at this time, I feel as though I barely know her anymore.

I took my boards today.  I actually feel good about them this time.  There were still questions that I completely didn't know at all, but not as many.  I tried to go through the test slower, and reviewed all the answers I wasn't sure about before turning it in.  I think it will be okay.

My thoughts on...

Marijuana.  Yup, you heard me.  I've decided that the time has come that I should perhaps publicize my two cents on the plant.  Basically it boils down to this: I don't approve, but I also don't care.  Its a personal choice that I do not want to be involved with.

Crazy adult life

Damnit.  I turned 27 three days ago, and I think it magically switched the switch between young adult and adult.  Grown up.  Old.  CRAP.
I feel way too old all of a sudden.  I'm dramatically, blindly throwing myself into a second, wish-filled quasi-career that is probably a huge mid-life crisis.  I recently faced (and am getting over) my first "adult" disease, and was rudely reminded of my own physical frailty.  Alpha and I are looking for a house, and we're probably in way over our heads.  We're hanging by a thread, and I keep pushing us forward, and he is being awesome and doing his best to keep my feet on the ground.  And on top of everything, the boards are looming.
I suck.

Honest or Bitch?

I am a big believer in telling things like they are.  I don't a rosy picture, or hear half the story.  If you don't like me, I just want to know, and why.  If you don't want to do something, just say so.  But my mother has a saying:
Before you speak, ask three questions.  1) Is it true? 2) Is it kind? 3) Is it necessary?
Sometimes that doesn't quite apply.  Sometimes it may not be kind, but it is definitely necessary.  But I had a couple encounters today that made me wonder, do I take my honesty too seriously.

A Day in the Life

Having Wednesdays off has it advantages, but it's very busy...
This was the list of to do items for the day:
Go to spin class and/or yoga.  Grocery shopping.  Studying.  Vacuum the floors and use the SpotBot on all the nasty spots.  Put away laundry, including the whites that have been in the dryer since Sunday.  Fill out paperwork for mortgage preapproval.

Stepping out of the box

I've had a desire, a little tickling thought in the back of my head, ever since I was in high school.  I would like to be a model.  I imagine that's a desire expressed by a lot of girls.  What makes me different from other girls?  Not much, I suppose.

I've dabbled.  A tiny bit. While I was in college, I worked as the nude model for the figure drawing class.  Did a bit of private modeling for a few of the students.  But I've never really done any print work.  Applied to be a Suicide Girl, but wasn't accepted.

Ugh

I HATE THIS.  I admit, I haven't had a lot of unpleasant physical experiences in my life, but colonoscopy prep definitely takes the cake.  It is one hell of a lot of unpleasantness.  And not any better or easier the second time.

The New Normal

So, it's been a while since I posted.  I didn't realize I never posted about what happened during my colonoscopy.  And while I have, like, one actual reader, its good practice to keep my (imaginary and otherwise) readers up to date.

So, the colonoscopy was fine.  Stressful, but the actual procedure was simple.  The colorectal surgeon came in afterward and said that he saw some inflammation in my lower colon (ie, proctitis,) and took some biopsies.  In the meantime, he gave me a prescription which should help with the inflammation.

Fitness

I spent a lot of time in the bathroom today (yippee!) and that meant I spent more time looking at myself in the mirror today than I have in weeks.

My conclusion?  Ugh.  I wasn't incredibly happy with what I saw in the mirror last fall, and started getting back on the path.  I joined the gym again, and started back into yoga classes and cardio.  (I won't kid myself by saying Kitten wasn't an impetus for getting into shape.)  I love going to yoga.  I always feel better when I do.  The cardio has been a struggle, partially due to my lack of fitness, and partially due to my feet.

I avoid most high impact things because I have some unexplained issue with my feet.  It's almost as though I can feel the metatarsals grind together.  I even bought new shoes to work out in, under the theory that better support would help.  It does help, but it didn't cure the issue.  I still avoid a lot of the jumping movements, but I continue to try.

I finally had to stop most of my trips to the gym in January, when my intestines started to interfere.  I'm constantly worn out, and the muscles in my legs feel weak by the end of the day, for no discernible reason.  When I get home from work, I usually spend most of my evenings on the couch, in no shape to do much else.

Oh hey, btw...

Kitten and I are still going strong.  Can you believe it?  I have a girlfriend!

I'm going to say that this, really, is the first real girlfriend I've had since high school.  Not to say I haven't kissed a girl since then, but this is the first girl who seems inclined to stick around longer than for a quick peck or flirt.  And although I called her my girlfriend at the time, I'm pretty certain she wasn't as serious about it as I was.  Kitten is the first one that I think will last for a while.  Two months thus far?  Hell, she's already lasted longer than any other female I've dallied with.  Even Lady.

No answers yet

I finally got to see my GI today.  Turns out, he's not a GI.  I asked my general practitioner for a referral to a gastroenterologist, and he sent me to a colorectal surgeon.  I'm mad.  I'm frustrated.  And I can't decide how much of a stink to raise about it.

Ultimately, I think we're moving in the right direction. They scheduled me for a colonoscopy for the 20th. But the doctor today behaved in the manner I'd expect a surgeon to act - didn't ask many questions, just did a quick exam and scheduled the procedure. Anticipating a discussion about my diet and if there was any connection between what I eat and my issues, I've been keeping a detailed record of all of my intake and outgoing.  He didn't even blink at the journal I'd been keeping; didn't want to look it over, and didn't ask a single question.

Broken

I don't yet know what is wrong, but there is something very wrong with my intestines.  I don't want to go into too much detail because, really, its pretty gross, and my close friends already know more details than they really should.  (Is it silly that I don't mind hearing about my friends' issues, but I feel very self conscious about getting gory about my own issues?)

I'm sorry

I get it.  I have the capacity to be a horrible friend.  It comes out occasionally...

I hurt a friend's feelings this evening.  Probably more than one friend.  And I am, truly, sorry for being such a selfish bitch today.

Bella is coming to visit today.  Actually, she's probably already in town.  And I let her down.  And I hate that.  I actually regret it.  But I did it, and I hope she doesn't stay mad for long.