Why bother?

I don't understand why I bother anymore.  I don't know what to do.

I'm so fucking tired of walking on eggshells.  I don't go to these parties to hold my breath, and hope you don't get upset.  I go because I fucking want to have a good time.  With my friends.  These goddamn people that I've carefully been cultivating into friendships.  I don't want to constantly be afraid that something is going to happen to upset you.  Cause something always seems to.  Why even bother?

You complain you don't have any friends?  No one to talk to?  No one to hang out with?  Maybe you should try fucking talking to people when we go out.  Or sending them messages when we're not out.  Or at the very least, don't get so fucking pissy when I attempt to cultivate friendships for the both of us.  I like having people to talk to while I'm at work.  And you and Kitten aren't available for that any more, or I'd talk to you two instead.

You don't want to play?  Fine.  But why the hell can't I play without you?  Why can't I fucking enjoy myself, even if you won't?  Why does it make you uncomfortable?  Why?  Even people we know, people we've played with before.  (Which you weren't really okay with, either, but you said it was okay, and then sulked about it for several days.)  But at least we know and trust them.  But if you're not "feeling it," I can't so much as watch a scene without feeling self conscious.

And while we're on the subject, why can't you let yourself go after the things you say you want, that I can't give you?

If you don't want to go to a party, you have to say so.  You have to really, truly say no, and stick to it.  Because honestly?  I'd rather be rude by cancelling on a group of friends than be rude by going to a social event, and then being complete downers.  Cause really?  Sitting to the side with your book isn't cool or cute.  I personally find it a little rude.  At the least, it's pretentious and a bit snobbish, and you're constantly calling other people out about their pretentiousness.

I know not to expect to ever play on the first night we're in a new place.  'Cause you're always going to be uncomfortable that night, and I'll be walking on eggshells, hoping against hope that you'll ease up.  And I know that about half the time you bring the toys, you'll change your mind about playing, and I'll end up disappointed.  So basically, anytime we go to a party, I'm holding my breath, because I never know if you're going to be angry, or upset, or withdrawn, or what.  Sometimes, you act upset all night, and then want to play, and then I end up not having much fun.  It's like foreplay.  If you've been saying no all evening, you might get sex in the middle of the night, if you decide you want it, but it's not going to be epic.

Is it a matter of trust?  You don't trust me to not cross any boundaries?  (Personally, I think I've done a pretty bang up job of respecting your damn boundaries.  I submit Exhibit A: Not touching my girlfriend's breasts for the first six months of dating, while waiting for significant others to "be okay" with it. And I'm still not touching other certain parts.)  Or you don't trust anyone else to behave themselves?  I'd like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character.  I also think that I'm smart enough not to put myself in a position where, if someone does break a trust, I can simply stop and call them out.  That's part of why I'd prefer you to be there if I ever play with others (not that it matters, since I never seem to be allowed to, anyway.)