Isolation

At first, it was on purpose.  It wasn't what I really wanted, but it was necessary.  I needed to distance myself and get some time alone to focus on studying for boards.  And we were so busy, buying a house, then moving, then entertaining relatives. I feel like I haven't seen my friends in months.  Do I even have friends anymore?  Have I become that annoying hanger-on?  The person on the fringes that says "Just let me know if you need me!" and you avoid calling them at all costs because they're so needy that they kind of give you the creeps.


I need to get out of the house, but I feel guilty every time I spend money.  So I can't go shopping, or get my nails done, or any of those other solitary activities you can do to pretend you're not alone.  Alpha works so much, he doesn't want to go anywhere when he's off work.  He'll come to parties with me sometimes on the weekends, but it's clear he's not into it.  And that prevents me from enjoying myself, and it almost makes it worse.

So I've been trying to spend time with friends.  Which is awkward, sometimes.  Some, I want to hang out with, with Alpha, and he doesn't want to be social.  Some, I'd just hang out with alone, and he doesn't want me to.  Some, I can go by myself, but they're pretty busy people.  We had plans with another couple last weekend, and spent most of Saturday cleaning, and then they had to cancel at the last minute.  This morning, I was going to have breakfast with the female half of that couple, and she overslept by over two hours, and ended up not coming.

I'm just a little sad today.  Conflicted.  Not sure what to do with myself.  Thinking about it is putting me on the verge of tears, but my brain won't shut up.  There's so much I should be doing, but I'm just not interested in it.  I don't even want to cook.

Kitten and I... did we have a breakthrough?  Was it necessary to get drunk, just to get there?  Am I over-thinking things?  Probably.  We haven't talked about it, and I don't know how to.  I'm not even sure what I want to say.  But I miss her so much.  I just need some time with her in my arms.  I need something.

I've been thinking about boards, and that's probably part of it.  It's out of my hands now, but I'm so scared.  I think I did well, but the stress of waiting is wearing on me.  There's always something more that the house needs.  So much that I need to fix, unpack, paint... and then the house just needs to be maintained and kept clean.  I'm so worn.