I'm sorry

I get it.  I have the capacity to be a horrible friend.  It comes out occasionally...

I hurt a friend's feelings this evening.  Probably more than one friend.  And I am, truly, sorry for being such a selfish bitch today.

Bella is coming to visit today.  Actually, she's probably already in town.  And I let her down.  And I hate that.  I actually regret it.  But I did it, and I hope she doesn't stay mad for long.
Sometimes I get nagging feelings that a plan may no work out.  And I want to be able to listen to those feelings.  The more complicated things become, the more you have to tweak and shift, and at some point, you just have to let that plan go.

I love when Bella visits.  It can sometimes be difficult - her trips are very short, and focused.  Sometimes I feel like the place to sleep after the party.  But she is my friend.  Last time she came, she was in a rough place, mentally.  I'd had other plans, but we spent most of the weekend doing nothing.  We sat on the couch, and watched musicals, and I cooked, and she just rested.  Thinking.  Processing the most recent snag life had given her.

This time, the original plan was to visit on Saturday, stay with us, attend a party, and have a fabulous scene with Lady.  About a week later, I learned from Lady that the plan had changed - Bella was coming on Friday instead, and staying with Lady.  Bella had some family stuff going on, and she could come for Friday, but not Saturday.  Lady couldn't go to the party on Saturday, so this worked out better for them.

They came up with a plan, and I'm sure they tried to keep me in the loop, but it was frustrating.  Bella wouldn't make it to town until late - 8 or 9pm - but we'd planned to have a dinner party, invite Kitten and her guy, maybe scene a bit, and just have fun.

Perhaps I'm just being a grouch because of everything that's happened with Lady.  I know she's having a tough time right now, but I'm not used to people dropping out of my life for months, with no contact, and then needing to talk them through a breakup.  When I talked to her yesterday, she was so down, she didn't want to scene with Bella (which I know was something Bella was really looking forward to, but these things happen.)  I tried to make things easier for her.  I offered to host Bella, to minimize her stress.  She said she'd let me know what the plan was.

So as of 6pm tonight, I had no idea what was going on.  Were we going to Lady's house?  What time?  Am I hosting?  Do I need to cook dinner?  No idea.

I call Bella.  I figure if Lady hasn't contacted me yet, maybe Bella will know what's happening.  She says, she'll call Lady.  She texts me, says Lady will call me and talk, and then to call her back.  Lady finally sends me a message 30 minutes later and says we're meeting at her place between 8 and 9.  I call Bella back and chat with her a bit, and she mentions dinner.  Apparently, Lady isn't cooking dinner any more, and we're on our own for that.  But Bella did bring snacks...

Beyond that, I'm frustrated about Kitten.  (Not at her, just the way things worked out.)  Lady told me she was invited, but Kitten hasn't been able to reach her, to get directions to her house, or talk about the evening.  Is she supposed to bring anything?  I don't know.  And I don't feel comfortable trying to give her directions.  I felt uncomfortable enough giving her Lady's phone number without Lady's permission.  Finally, Kitten says she's not coming.  Its too much for her, especially considering that she lives over an hour away from Lady's place.

I guess I just broke.  It was too much change.  Too complicated.  And I was just too frustrated.  I would not have been good company.

I'm sorry.  Not sure what else to say.