This time last year, I was at a pretty low point. My marriage was at a low point. My husband had moved with me to a new state to start my career, and his had fizzled. We had moved into an apartment with a budget that assumed that he was working, and he was not. Had not since we'd moved. And the purse strings were beginning to tighten like a noose.
I was lonely. Part of the joy of moving to Kansas was the knowledge that we already had friends here - my closest friend from graduate school and her husband had moved to the area just a few months before us. But those friends had full time jobs (whereas we were living on my half-time salary,) and they quickly cultivated other friendships. We weren't invited along. And we hadn't cultivated any other friendships outside of the World of Warcraft. With little dispensable income, it seemed impractical to go out and try to make friends.
We had a Come to Jesus meeting, Alpha and I. We acknowledged how hard our relationship had become. Mistakes were made. We decided/agreed that we needed to try harder. Counseling wasn't really in the cards, but we decided to try. Reinvest in each other and the marriage.
Part of that was kink. It's a world that has been a topic between us for longer than we've been together, but the actions had fizzled in the recent years. It comes up a lot on this blog because, honestly, who else am I going to tell?
So we found a couple of groups, and met some people, and started to learn. It hasn't always been easy, but we're getting along. Flogging, spanking, rope, suspension... there's a thousand different fetishes and kinks. I don't want to try them all, but I like what we've tried so far. And there is so much more that I want to try. I'm curious. Eager. Excited.
Alpha says I'm over eager. I am want too much, too fast, for him. It's hard to hold back. And what happens when I want to do something, or try something, that he isn't familiar with? Wouldn't it be better to say, see what a whip feels like when swung by a whip expert, to see if I enjoyed it, before asking him to buy and learn how to use one?
Alpha's brain doesn't seem to work that way. It seems like if I so much as look at someone else, consider a new toy, mention a new experience, he gets angry. Overprotective. Suspicious. Of me, and anyone else involved. Upset, that he's not involved. Frustrated that I get excited over the next new thing. I don't understand it.
He can't do everything. I don't expect him to. There are emotions and power dynamics that I want to try that simply can't be achieved between us. Surely he feels the same? Or at least can recognize the way I feel?
Simply put, I crave something he cannot/will not give me. And he doesn't see it, or maybe he simply doesn't care? Isn't willing to work on it? How do you resolve the possessive nature of marriage with a needs of a spouse that cannot be provided within the scope of that marriage? I have no intention or desire to leave this marriage. But if I can't figure out how to get what I need within these confines...
I keep asking for a looser rein. Permission for some freedom. But he keeps putting me off.
This week, he said he wasn't sure he wanted to do any kink any more. Any. Ever. He was tired of the parties, and the trite acquaintances we'd made. He wanted other friends. Other things to do on the weekends. (I've told him before, you want more friends, you have to make an effort to make them. No effort made, to date.)
And really, it panicked me a little. And I told him straight up, if he didn't want to be kinky any more, that is fine. He shouldn't do anything his heart isn't in. But he needs to know that my heart is still in it. And we will have to find a way to compromise and allow me to find those experiences.
Nothing has been agreed upon yet. There are no absolutes here. No resolutions. Just stress, and frustration. And need. Why can't you see that? All the awfullness and stress of life is made better when I'm in that world.
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