Okay, do you know what will happen to Christina if she has a kid that she doesn't want? It will almost kill her. Trying to pretend that she loves a kid as much as she loves surgery will almost kill her, and it'll almost kill your kid. Do you know what it's like to be raised by someone who didn't want you? I do. To know you stood in the way of your mother's career? I do. I was raised by a Christina. My mother was a Christina. And as the child she didn't want, I am telling you, don't do this to her, because she's kind and she cares and she won't make it. The guilt of resenting her own kid will eat her alive. -Meredith to Owen, Grey's Anatomy, Season 8, Episode 2: "She's Gone"
The question comes up occasionally - "When are you two going to have children?" Usually from relatives or acquaintances who we don't see very often, or who don't know me very well. People who know me better know the answer to that question. And its an answer that hasn't changed in the past 10 years.
What is the answer? Never, actually. I have very little desire to have children. People used to say "Oh, you'll change your mind when you get older." That seems to have stopped, somewhat. The sonographers I work with give me knowing looks when I talk about my dogs, or get a little googly over an ultrasound picture. They still think I will change my mind.
It's not that I've never considered it. I have baby names picked out. I go hormonal every once in a while, and gush over baby shoes and such. But it's not something I want in my own life. I don't want to get pregnant. Carry a child in my body for 9 nine months. Destroy my body getting the parasite out. Spend the next eighteen-plus years worrying, fretting, fighting, getting thrown up on, losing sleep, and going broke over a tiny human. That's simply not on my life plan.
Sure, I know there are rewards. I was 12 and 13 years old when my sister and brother were born. I helped raise them. I didn't have to pay for them, of course. And my parents were very careful to not make me feel burdened. But I experienced some of it. I know what it was like.
Maybe that makes me selfish. But I haven't changed my stance. I don't waffle back and forth about it. If (and it's a huge if) we were ever at a point that Alpha and I were financially stable, it may become a topic of discussion and serious thought. But that would mean a lot more income and a lot less debt. A house, and investments for retirement, and the ability to have a little left over. (And still being at an age that having children is medically viable.) I simply can't see us getting to that point.
And much to my sorrow, I know that Alpha hopes I will change my mind, too. I know that it can become a huge point of contention in marriage, if one partner wants a child and the other doesn't. I can only hope that he does not resent me for it.
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