Failure

Got an email from ABGC yesterday while I was at the mall.  "We regret to inform you..."

The worst possible news, aside from death and/or dismemberment of a family member.

Another year wasted.  Another proof of my own mediocrity.  Someone has to be below average on the bell curve.  I just wish it would stop being me.

I know I'm in the right place.  I know I'm in the right career, and I love my job.  I love working with my patients, and the people I work with.  But there's always that knowledge that I am less than the best.  I am not, nor (apparently) will I ever be, a stellar, brilliant, genetic counselor.  I have no desire to do research, or publish.  I want to fly under the radar and work quietly, diligently, with my head down.  I do not retain knowledge the way I used to (or thought I used to, at least.)

Yes, I'm more educated than some.  I'm lucky to have what I do - a job I enjoy, a husband I love, and a comfortable, relatively stable life.  But I should be so much better.  I should go so much further.

And then I wonder, am I actually capable of being better?  Or is this as good as it gets?  Is it just pressure and expectations that I'm not capable of fulfilling, or do I just need to pull myself together and work harder?