Left Behind

I feel like life is leaving me behind, due to circumstances which are, for the most part, beyond my control.  I've been married for five years, yet I feel like I've been left behind.  I didn't "experience life" before marriage.  I played the good girl card - went to school, graduated in a timely manner, graduate school despite itself, professional job in a professional environment... and yet, I still have debt to my ears, still renting an apartment, still have a crappy car, still feel guilty every time I buy a cup of coffee or wish I had another pair of shoes (not guilty enough to stop me from buying the coffee though, apparently.)  Lady lives closer, yet we talk less.  We see her less, and I miss her.
My next "good girl/professional" step is board certification, and I've been studying for it more and more.  Which means less leisure time and less time at home.  Less cooking, less baking, less stress relief.  And I'm still consumed with the dread that I won't pass.  That I'll be mediocre, compared to the "smart girl" I know, who just bought her first house.  Who has parents that help pay for things, despite her being married.  Who has a husband who is working.  Who I look at and envy her (apparently) easy life.

I tried to do everything right.  And then I said, I'll do it my way, who cares if it's right.  But it still doesn't feel right yet.  I still don't know who I am, or where I'm going, or how I will ever feel settled.