Taking the dogs out yesterday got me thinking about responsibility. All the unspoken promises that we make as we get older, and take on more responsibilities in our own life. Balancing your own budget, paying bills, working to provide an income, maintaining your home and livelihood. Maintaining relationships with those around you is probably the most important part. I may not have children, but A and E are the closest thing I've got. It's up to me to make sure that they're socialized, well fed, healthy, behaved, etc. E is getting better. Last week, she took food directly out of Alpha's hand for the first time. And she twice allowed me to approach and pet her without running away, cowering, or flinching. That's progress. Painful to realize that it's taken almost three years to get there.
Alpha and I have had several conversations over the past week, about our relationship, and our relationships with others. We've been trying to communicate better, but it is a slow process. It's an old problem - how to stretch our boundaries and explore different facets of our selves without hurting each other. The problem hasn't been solved - its not something that will magically fix itself - but I hope that, by trying to strengthen our ties to each other, things will become easier.
I'm never quite sure how to find solutions, because I feel that we don't always communicate clearly. For example - knowing that Alpha has been working very late, and I've been alone most evenings, Sol and Sir have repeatedly invited me over to spend an evening with them. Initially, Alpha's answer was that he didn't know them well enough to be okay with that, especially since we didn't know where they lived. After spending an evening at their house, he agreed that it was alright for me to go over. Then, when I announced my intention of doing just that, a few days later, he got upset. Apparently, he'd thought I wanted to go during the day, rather than in the evenings. (Which doesn't make sense to me, since Sir works 8-5. And why would it be okay to drive there in the daylight, but not at night?) Even now, I'm not exactly sure where the communication failed there. I only know that it's preventing me from spending time with my friends, and I can either choose to respect his concern (even if I think it's silly,) or cause a fight. Sometimes I wonder what he would do if I stopped asking, and started telling.
But a marriage is a promise of so much. I know a couple who got married with the agreement that, they may not always be in love, but they are promising to be there for each other for the rest of their lives. To be a person the other can depend on, indefinitely. While that sounds like (to me,) a rather depressing way to start a marriage, it is also a very honest way. I would prefer to have more than just dependability in my life, though I agree that it is a good thing. If that is all a marriage becomes, just a person you happen to live with, and who helps pay the bills, isn't that usually when people decide to end it? I sometimes wonder if they agreed to have an open marriage, and seek enjoyment in other people's beds. (But knowing them, I imagine that no, it's just a cold bed and a house full of children.)
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