I frequently (read, always) find myself jealous. Usually of other women. For any and every reason I can think of. They're prettier, or I like their taste in clothes, or they squeal nicely when they get flogged. Maybe they have a hardcore d/s relationship, and I wish I could be that submissive. Or they're allowed to play with others, when I'm not. Maybe they just own a nicer car. Whatever.
But I get jealous. I don't know why. I mean, I have a great life. My body isn't perfect, but I have nice curves. And I'm not 19 anymore. I know that. And I don't actually want a hardcore d/s relationship. I'm not interested in worshiping anyone's feet, or sleeping around.
I obsess over money. I haven't felt financially stable in years, and feel guilty every time I spend a dollar. Last night, Mharus gave me permission to buy a pair of shoes that I've been obsessing about for nine months. Nine months. And it took me over an hour to push the button. I kept going back and forth between two colors, because the one I really wanted was more expensive. Still under the budget Mharus set for me, but it was still difficult to spend the money.
Whenever I see a new toy, a new flogger, or a pretty shiny thing, I get jealous. It doesn't matter what it is. Just the knowledge that I won't be able to have that thing bothers me. It gives me stress.
I know that having a new flogger isn't going to fix the world. That if I lost 10 lbs, I'd only obsess over how small my boobs are. That owning that fabulous custom corset wouldn't cure all my fashion woes. But that doesn't make me any less jealous. That doesn't prevent my coveting.
And I'm not really sure how to close this. There's no silver lining. just statement of fact. So... there it is.
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